david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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