Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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