can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
