Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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