my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
