loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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