Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
