cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
