Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
