I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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