I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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