He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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