I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
