in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
