Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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