the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
