So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
