I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
