census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
