This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
