Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
