im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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