i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
