It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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