Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
