im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
