just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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