You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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