I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
