fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
