Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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