Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
