just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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