Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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