theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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