If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
