I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
