My friends, they love my intelligence
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
