I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
