Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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