Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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