last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
