4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
