A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize