He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
