So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
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he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
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Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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