i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize