You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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