I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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