Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
