4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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