I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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