he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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