I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
