I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
