I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
